I think I'll stay here til I feel whole again

[light_of_the_world]

It had been a long month for all. Days without, days spent missing, lingered longer, time dragging its feet though its steady progression of hours. The searching, the hoping, the praying, the worrying made the sun slower in the day and the stars dimmer at night.

And then, to lose. To lose was to make time stop. The world moved on, but one's own reckoning of it ceased.

It had been a few days since Hild had realized Bianca was gone. She texted her more often than most and Hild's messages sat unanswered. She had visited her home, knocking on the door to receive no invitation. She had come back, hoping that she had simply missed the other young woman, had timed her visit badly.

She had never lost someone like this before. Hereswith, Fursey, they had only left; great distance separated them, but nothing that letters following the threads of trade could not connect. Begu, Cian, both had left and come back to her. This wasn't even death. Was Bianca back in her home, back with her old friends who had missed her, her family who loved her, her life left abruptly? Or was it something else.

The nagging worry and confusion refused to budge. She yearned, not for the first time, for a loom to occupy her thoughts and fingers. Lacking that, she turned to her kitchen. Cooking had not been a duty expected of her back home, not given her rank, not as king's kin, but she knew it. She had spent hours watching bakers roll out dough, cooks choose spices, farmers pick their best crops. She had had to feed herself, had she not?

She wasn't a pie-maker like Bitty, but the so-called shepherd's pie was still warm in her arms, the buttery, savory scents drifting up to her nose as she made her way to Derek's. At his doorstep, she paused to knock and hope that she was not interrupting time with his lover.

That was still a thing she needed to adjust to.

Comments

[triskehale]

Derek and Barry haven't spent much time apart since they were reunited and Oliver and Bianca disappeared. There's just nothing appealing about being alone right now, not when he can be with Barry instead.

But eventually he has to go home to get some more clothes and while Derek probably could have gone with him, he stays behind. It's a good thing that he does, otherwise he would have missed Hild. He catches her scent just as there's a knock on the door, and he pulls a t-shirt on along with the sweats he's wearing and goes to pull the door open.

"Hild, hey," he says fondly. He hasn't seen her since he made his rounds once he realized Oliver was missing, and even then they didn't speak. Derek just made sure that she was here and safe and then moved on to the next person on his list. "Come on in."

[light_of_the_world]

She searched his eyes very quickly before answering. Hild was trained to look, to see, to notice things and know things because of them. With Derek, it was different. The wolf-strength of his body hid so much that would be obvious on another man. But his eyes were just as expressive as any, maybe more so.

He was tired. She felt it less, but she knew that tiredness. But he was also genuinely pleased to see her.

She smiled gently and accepted the invitation, entering his home. "Thank you," she said. "I do not interrupt any thing?"

[triskehale]

"No, it's just me right now," Derek assures her, stepping aside to let her in. He was worried that things with Hild might be awkward once the boundaries of their friendship became a little more clear. He knows that she doesn't really seem to be into monogamy, but Derek is. When he's actually with someone, he's with them and no one else.

But thankfully things seem to be okay between them, and he smiles tiredly as he closes the door. "What's that you have there? It smells amazing."

[light_of_the_world]

"Shepherd's Pie," she answered. She lifted up the dish and drew aside the kitchen towel so he could see it better.

"I thought maybe you would help me eat it." Sharing food was a comfort to her, something familiar and warm and easy. A king had to give, make free with food and wine in his hall, and his people admired his wealth, his generosity, his lack of fear. Giving and sharing food was the easiest way to show that she cared.

"We can save a little for Barry. Maybe," she said with a teasing smile.

[triskehale]

Derek leans in to sniff at the pie, eyes bright and excited as he reaches out to take it from her. They had into the kitchen and Derek laughs softly at her offer. "I'm sure that he would appreciate that. He has an appetite like mine."

After grabbing some plates from the cupboard, he cuts them both a piece and takes a seat at the bar, sliding a plate towards her and gesturing towards the seat next to him. He takes a bite and lets out a pleased sound, nodding as he chews.

"This is amazing, thank you," he says after he swallows. He licks his lips and looks over at her, expression going a bit more serious. "How are you doing?"

[light_of_the_world]

Somehow it did not surprise her that Barry could eat like Derek. He was not a werewolf, she didn't think, though obviously there was something special to him to have been taken with the others of the city. But even so, like called to like, even in the simplest of ways.

She took her seat and took up her fork, but waited until Derek had voiced his approval. Then she ate herself, but with smaller, slower bites.

"English does not have a good word for it," she said, her voice petering out in a dry huff of a laugh. "I go on. Not good or bad. How are you?"

[triskehale]

"Life goes on," Derek agrees, smiling softly before taking another bite, this one smaller. "A lot of bad things happened all at once."

He's quiet for a long moment, and not long ago that would have been the end of it. He would have swallowed back any other words or show of emotion and kept them bottled up. Things are different now. He's different. This place has changed him in so many ways and most of them, he thinks, might even have been for good.

"I miss Bianca," he admits quietly, looking down at his plate. "I hate that this city brings us people to love, but they could disappear at any moment. It makes it hard to keep on loving, sometimes."

[light_of_the_world]

She had thought eating a warm meal would make her -- and him -- feel better, but suddenly Hild had little appetite. She set her fork down, tucked her hair behind her ears and pushed it back over her shoulders in one smooth movement.

"Back home, I feel-- I felt like people came into my life only to leave me," she admitted quietly. It was not a thing she spoke of, admitted to anyone but herself, though she was sure some knew. "I tried different ways to keep them, make it so they could not leave. But that is not the answer, is it?"

[triskehale]

Her words hit Derek hard, sinking down into the core of him, and he lowers his fork. He feels much the same way most of the time, and he has to swallow hard before he can speak.

"No," he says quietly, looking over at her. "It took me a very long time to realize it, but no. I don't think that's how it works. Maybe we just have to care about people even if they leave, even if it would be easier not to."

[light_of_the_world]

"But when they leave..." It was always when she realized with a frustrated exhale. Never if, always when. Could nothing in life be stable? Even her wyrd, which was constant, always led her to unexpected situations.

"I will gladly love," she said. Pausing, she lifted her head to give him a small smile, reached out to touch his hand.

"How can I not love gladly, when I have such people to love?" Her smile faltered, her brow wrinkled.

"But after... I do not know what to do in the after. I feel lost."

[triskehale]

Derek smiles at the touch to his hand, and he holds her much smaller hand in his own as he looks over at her. "I don't think that we ever stop loving. It's just hard to know what to do with it when they aren't there anymore."

He leans over to kiss her temple before settling back down onto his stool. "I hope that I'm always here."

Darrow has done a lot of terrible things to him, but still, Derek never wants to leave. It's also given him a lot of good.

[light_of_the_world]

She smiled, though it was sad at the edges. It was his hope, but it was not a promise that he could make and keep. Neither of them could hold to such a thing.

Hild squeezed his hand gently, then tilted her head in thought.

"I think it must be easier for you, to have Barry," she said. Barry had been taken. A threat to him was a threat to Derek, an injury to one was an injury to the other. But he was back. "To have someone to show all that love to."

[triskehale]

Derek flushes pink at the mention of Barry, ducking his head a bit as he smiles to himself. He hasn't thought about that word in terms of Barry, not yet, but he does like the thought of it.

"I'm glad to have found him," Derek confirms, sitting up straighter again. "He's much more than I deserve, but I'm glad."

[light_of_the_world]

Her lashes fluttered in swift blinks of surprise at the statement, then she shook her head.

"At home, we do not believe so," she said. As with practically all things, it was different in Darrow. There was never one thing, even a belief, that had its match to her experiences. It had lost its thrill of newness, its novelty.

"We receive only what we are meant to receive. Our wyrd, our fate determines our path. In my eyes, he is exactly what you deserve. You have the strength to survive the bad times and are meant to enjoy the good."

[triskehale]

Derek watches her with open fondness as she speaks so passionately, and he realizes that even with all the terrible things that still happen to him, he's the happiest that he's been in a very long time. He has friends who mean the world to him, and he's actually in a successful relationship. He has two thriving businesses, and a growing, if unorthodox, pack.

He's happy. The realization brings just a little guilt because he still isn't sure that he deserves such a thing, but still. He's content.

"I feel lucky to have found you too, you know," Derek tells her, leaning over to bump their shoulders together.

[light_of_the_world]

"And I you," Hild replied warmly. Nightmares no longer troubled her, not from that dark other version of Darrow, but she still remembered how he had saved her. How gentle and caring he had been when she silently clung to him once that nightmare city had faded.

She felt a sudden pang in her heart for the loss of him, but it was only a part of their relationship, not the whole. Leaning in on impulse, Hild pressed a kiss to his cheek. When she pulled back, it was with a bright smile.

"It was meant to be, and I am happy for it."

[triskehale]

"So am I," Derek assures her, smiling at the kiss. There is a small part of him that does miss that other aspect of their relationship, but he's happy with where he's found himself in life. Monogamy suits him best; that's just the way he is.

Still, he's incredibly relieved that he and Hild's friendship survived having that part cut out of it. Not only that, it seems just as strong as ever.

He reaches over and places a hand on the back of her neck, squeezing fondly before letting go and giving her a fond nod.